Secret

Please don't forgive me for my thoughts
I am unashamed of them
I want to know everything about you including your secrets
I want to be one of your secrets
As I have none
And without a secret.... (Perhaps we become nothing)

Please don't forgive me for my actions
I am unashamed of them
I want to watch your every movement
I want to drive your movement
As I do not move
And without movement I am but a paper weight
Not a statue nor a pillar.

Not a paper weight... I am an unread book
An unread book I plan to burn when I am done writing.

- Sleeps

Sip

With a sip of whiskey
I'm thrown back into history
My history
Existential dispare
Dispare
Dispare
Becomes compare
Becomes companion
I'm so thankful for

- Sleeps

Be not

Don't hug him to show me
I couldn't give a fuck if you're available
You're not important to me at this point
You're a thought among many that may or may not take hold
And taking hold is a process
A process with a long list of distractions and hierarchical filtering. A filtering you will be highly susceptible to.
If you want to remain you have to 'be'... And you look like more of a concept.

I respect any culture that enables people to sit alone in quiet reflection.
People seem to be nothing without people... Which is ashame.

- sleeps

Cheers, George

Cheers George
Thanks for smoking and covering your whole mouth with your hand while doing so
Thanks for tearing up when I left for Chicago
And thanks for remembering me when I switched off the accent
It's easy to grieve when your conscious has no clue what's happening.
It's like the polar opposite of jumping out of a plane
Screaming out of disbelief is a non sequitur when your sub conscious is seasoned in these affairs.
But focus really takes a hit
It's like your soul takes over and indirectly let's you know nothing is worth your focus
Wondering aimlessly and starring at nothing is a much more affective use of time...
And maybe it is when you have nothing to show for your time from the numbers game you've been playing
The pointlessness strangely enough brings a smile to the face
... It reminds me of the great reveal experienced long ago
And reminds me it's all just a game
... So let's play, George
Let's Play

- sleeps

Metal bird

I try to be a simple guy.
But not sure my mind will allow me

Things are always so beautiful from afar
Like a nervous system
Lit up and glowing into the dark fabric of matter
We circle and glide down to earth like an industrial, metalic, but majestic bird
At first smooth and slow, to then swoop closer to the chaotic nature of the earth.
I imagined myself as a pedestrian and how insignificant I'd become not knowing anything of the ineffable experiences above the clouds.
My journey, not so much of distance, but of mind... Or lack there of.
I recall my youth and how I would gaze into material things and extract philosophy and meaning.
These days finding nothingness and peace.
These days interaction on auto pilot
These days replacing thought with chatter
These days... Could be days of the past or future or stuck on loop... I wouldn't know if there were not a calendar view next to the email tab.
When the fuck am I going to start doing something of meaning again?

- Sleeps

Sat night

A dark place to come and find things you don't want
A late night to consciously look for dreams.
I don't know why
                            We operate in mazes
Some of us just like stairs.

- Sleeps

Stratosphere

Things are slipping deeper
It's the drink. It's the lack of interaction
How do you remain anonymous without drawing attention these days?
anonymous bars, anonymous currency, anonymous land...
then who do you become?
Yourself or your ego?
If we all had to explain ourselves we'd either all be confused...
Or all be clarified

...But there's no direction, just vectors.
People. Memories. Movement.
Some strive to move 'up' and find themselves lost when gravity losses its grip.

- Sleeps

Lean

Lean on me
as you're no good with words
Contact me where no one can see
Swim with me and play
I play for death
It's a game of who cares less (from each other)
The less you care for your loss, the more you win
Pass the stairs. Pass what's not
There by the new space

-

Send hate and i'll react
because I lost my sense of humour
because I got use to comfort
because I moved closer to sales
because I'm afraid to lose
because prepping for success was more important than being successful
("...care more about being right than being affective")

Send love and I won't rect
because I feel I'm the only one who can
because I don't believe you
because I always want other things
because I feel I don't exist

- Sleeps

Indie

Actress' love ache... Or something like that.

Ow, light

Ow, darkness of my night

Gripping me, pulling me to a place or person i can metaphorically touch

Am i looking for you or am i simply looking for me here... In this place

A waste of my time. A waste of my energy. 

I piss away my talents and my thoughts. I drink them away as they hurt and frustrate me.

For lack of clarity or use in this life

Either my articulation fails or their understanding lacks

We're back to banging pots. Back to instrumentals.

Ow, sound

When all else  fails, you soothe 

I call out, but no echo

I reach, but no touch

I grind, I roll, I work, I distract... I do not express

I mask, I squander, I pretend, I have forgotten. Who. I. Am.

--

"if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything"... Or something like that

I shall structure

I shall schedule

I shall study Henry Rollins again and sharpen my mind and body

I shall study Jordan Peterson more to help me criticise my thoughts

I shall be consistent 

I shall define objectives and time lines

I shall be strong and determined even with undermined people around me

I shall find and spend more time with people that inspire me

I shall stop with the alcohol, I shall trip instead.

I shall disassociate first to become someone once again

- Sleeps

Pause

[Loving someone is not needing them to say it back]
[Loving someone is expressing it and feeling relieved in doing so]

[Loving someone is being a dedicated 'villain' and focusing on destroying everything they 'love' so they can understand how to]

He sits and sweats
All noise has gone and he leans forward to feel the beads of sweat form around his head 

They slide down his face to then fall to his feet.

There was a monster at the door

Inside the stomach

Inside the thoughts

A man driven crazy, but happy in being so as crazy has held a certain purity to it

a lack of compromise 

A transformation from tragedy to comedy and finding something true in the process

And that truth is pain. Beautifully transformative pain.

From weak to strength

From false to true

From lost to found

Regardless of companionship

- Sleeps