Scrappy paper

Take me back

To peace. To them.

I see their face in others

Not sure if it's the heat this time... Or me

I like it though

If only they all knew how sentimental and reflective i actually am

... It's almost my little secret

My feelings. Me...

I'm my secret

Ironic thinking no one deserves me, while feeling i do not deserve anyone

- Sleeps

Invite

Invite me in
I want to fall to my knees and place my forehead to the ground in respect
The nerves. The pulse. The death of me.
But we are surrounded
But you are not here
But I do not exist
I keep composed on the surface. I’m good at that. 
But it begins to kill me inside and I begin to crack when I drink.
Thank god I’m in another country
Thanks good you can’t listen
When did a floating soul become so heavy?
Life was fun when I hated myself
The lights are bright but I’ve seen these signs before… And I know I’m about to be rejected. 
By me. 
And maybe I should be
Piece of shit like me. Robot. Selfish. 
What happens out there, kills in here
Silly boy. Big mouth. 
Dreams. No feet. 
Believing in… just believing. 
I wish I could meet me back when I was that clown
I wonder if I would relate 
To me in the past
To me in the future
Would I be my favourite drinking buddy?
Where are those people now?
I love losing count of all those I have met
No hate for one of them, just positive interaction
Guess I knew answers are impossible if you can’t formulate or articulate your questions
So I didn’t ask questions & I laughed at your answers
A fucking lie like you trying to tell a burning soul like me. How dare you. 
This anger and disdain, is it toward you or toward me?
Like religions get stuck on the metaphor, am I getting stuck on something similar?
I’m empty as all that I am pours out into words
Words I leave as clues
Clues across the globe. Across the times
And while you search for me I am busy slowly dying
The ultimate paradox I am so proud to have constructed

- Sleeps
 
 

Somg

The song they sang
The song he held a little too long
A sublime note which turned into a scream
In the absence of emotional technology
A place within which he could dream
 

Daddy

And with one word spoken by a child
I become more
I become meaningful
I become emotional
I become reflective
I become a father

What was taught

It was told only as it was thought / taught to be
The way forward or the way inward... Depends on your point of view, i suppose 
The accent found the ear & the kick drum found the hart
You found me waiting & I asked if I had spoken
I mumble so much i wouldn't hear me either
But in the loud crowd i heard your plea for help. "Get me away from these fucking people"
Your face spoke more words that you had all night
My stomach cramping from laughter, my sight distorted by the tears. Mate, I have to go, I have a duty...
Not to her, but to my fellow human as I know too well the weight of the human condition & anything i can do to help lift it would give more meaning to my life than all the songs in history.
And its all about meaning, even if only the dance around time
This movement of the body is all we have for now
My eyes follow this movement & it makes me smile a great deal as we are evolving into our self made purpose & for that i love you and love myself

- Sleeps

Gate 27

She asked if this plane was for London
This interested me... Everything is interesting 
Not necessarily the surroundings, Singapore airport, i thought, was like any other until i met him, but the hours being morphed in to journey segments, like chapters in a book i cant remember reading
No real sleep. No real designated time. Everything is momentary - even this observation.
The travel to new places would be good but i'm torn between place and person.
I do not trust the girls i meet, with fair reasoning for a moron as i've been used and ignored before... But i guess what goes around...
I've grown now and can commit to something bigger than myself, just only seeing myself doing so with that of adventure and wild sexuality.
Show me i can have faith in you
Show me you're unafraid and can handle my intensity.
Put me in my place and show me the patience of roots and home
I want this and need this but have no reason or ability if you do not.
- Sleeps 

A Place to travel... But how to return and integrate?

A place to throw your money away... To keep a memory within a plastic novelty...
I love it... $30 a drink, enforcing the experience a moment
And that's what life is... The line.
But it's sometimes like a ballon floating over a sea of spikes
Maybe its me getting older..
Simply put, I seem to feel more, but care about less
I tear up at feelings and movies become more real to me than 'life', as this 'life' have many embedded with no inspiration
So here I am in a karaoke bar alone, but with the biggest of grins
Inspired by those who are here to escape their life sat right next to those who are here to live theirs
Led by those paid to be bubbly
Paid to feel
Paid to make others feel...
Well, hey, I'd pay for attention if it didn't come with an emotional hangover
I'm sure many would and many do
Opening opportunities for the emotionally scarred to be emotionally warm
But back to me and my lack of patience

Transparency or trust?

These transparent folders represent transparency
The documents visible to read
But with transparency comes complexity
A complexity which takes time, effort and hardships to understand
Who has time to read documents written in the hand of others?
That would require the study of hand
If a hand that evolves...

Do I need to understand the engine to ride the car?
Is the purpose of the car to reach a destination or enjoy a journey?
If I read the manual will I understand or trust the car more... or now just be bored?

The closer you get to anything, the more chaotic you realise it is...
Until it is not. Until you become so close you are between the atoms...
Between space, where nothing exists
That’s where dance exists
That’s where instantaneous smile burst into existence
You don’t need understanding or even trust to be there
You just need the movement... I mean the moment... wait a minute I need to check the process, the manual, the movie, the past...

I think, therefore I am spread from the moment and merge with both the future and the past. But not in a cool sci-fi way, instead a boring, anxiety driven loop

- Sleeps

Trace

Show me your scars
So I can see you have lived
Laugh and tell glorious stories of how each one of them came to be
So i can see you know how to live
Pause to take a moment. To listen. To feel.
As the finger slowly traces down the wound, the mind quickly flashes to where a hand traced down your face.
Was this the start of a new scar or the healing of an old one?
Either way time slows, freeze framing us all.
A picture for which the devil hangs on his wall to bring him peace and God keeps in his wallet just in case he is asked.
As I am snapped out of this day dream, we find ourselves in a moment that is past that in which we were, the obvious seeming so meaningful without understanding why.
All the while elevating us from the video games we were playing, up to the ultimate game we do not always realise we are playing.
But we don’t save seats here. Those that do, often sit and wait alone.
Here we banter, smile and talk to strangers.

I have found life is insanity with you, but am somehow sane because of you

- Sleeps

Rock

I feel I may have lost you but you have not lost me
Sat on this rock
For whenever or if ever you need to rest
From the swim
I too can swim with you or for you
Bomb in and splash for effect and fun
Or dive like a needle to minimise disruption
-
I know, though, swimmers grow through waves
I would not take that away from you
But I have begun to learn to ask for help
I hope you begin to do so too
If you do, I will be
Sat on this rock
For whenever or if ever you need to rest

- Sleeps

Over a hill

He wondered if he wasn’t told to fuck off
He wondered if he wasn’t told it wouldn’t happen
He wondered if he hadn’t heard the voice or the message
Would he have a voice, a place
Would he lean back one day watching his kid play, oblivious to all that has happened
All the choices, beliefs, sacrifices and reliefs his father went through
For them both to be here
One to play. One to lean back and smile.
He designed it all before his grandfather died
And before he died, his grandfather asked what the significance of the flower was
He thought for a moment and recalled a time when Something Beautiful was simply something beautiful
And reflected on how he had lost that for a while until he came across that flower
The flower had a beautiful life but didn’t think it could cope with him being in it
So instead starred at the wondrous silver columns of the falling rain that came through the peaceful sounds of a solitary night
When it rains it pours, but to see such beauty in pain and falling rain was rare.

- Sleeps

Absence until fulfilment

I’m leaving. It has to be this way.
But why? I am because of you. My life is built around you.
If I did not leave you would need to.
I don’t understand
I am not love in your heart, I am habit to your psychology
If I was always new, I would never be me
‘You’ is the trick that was pulled
I will miss you
You will miss yourself, but you will become something refined. Then you will see you don’t need me, then you will see I never left, then I will return and both ‘you’ and ‘I’ will die. It will be beautiful.
... and if I left?
Then we would be each other.
You’re not a movie, you’re a poem. Without diction. Without readers.
If you want to experience something, do so alone. If you want to live something, do so with someone.

Moon

Moon. You are not full.
But still so bright.
Awake with me at these hours (of night)
A companion so far away
But orbiting my world
Steadily watching over me and those I love as we all sleep.
Cloud. You obscure the twilight.
A period of obscurity, ambiguity and gradual decline
A traveling Samaritan you deliver somber to the soul, rain to the fires and water for seeds to grow
Goodnight. Be all you are and that/so you can be.
Until dawn comes to take away our dreams, I surrender to Morpheus, the shaper of form.

You are still, in this place
Moon. Cloud. Dream. Human.

- Sleeps

Invite

(You) invite me in

I want to fall to my knees and place my forehead to the ground in respect

The nerves. The pulse. The death of me.

But we are surrounded

But you are not here

But I do not exist

I keep composed on the surface. I’m good at that.

But it begins to kill me inside and I begin to crack when I drink.

Thank god I’m in another country

Thank god you can’t listen

When did a floating soul become so heavy?

Life was fun when I hated myself

The lights are bright but I’ve seen these signs before… And I know I’m about to be rejected.

By her. By me.

And maybe I should be

Piece of shit like me. Robot. Selfish.

What happens out there, kills in here

Silly boy. Big mouth.

Dreams. No feet.

Believing in… just believing.

I wish I could meet me back when I was that clown

I wonder if I would relate

To me in the past

To me in the future

Would I be my favourite drinking buddy?

Where are those people now?

I love losing count of all those I have met

No hate for one of them, just positive interaction

Guess I knew answers are impossible if you can’t formulate or articulate your questions

So I didn’t ask questions & I laughed at your answers

A fucking lie like you trying to tell a burning soul like me. How dare you.

This anger and disdain, is it toward you or toward me?

Like religions get stuck on the metaphor, am I getting stuck on something similar?

I’m empty as all that I am pours out into words

Words I leave as clues

Clues across the globe. Across the times

And while you search for me I am busy slowly dying

The ultimate paradox I am so proud to have constructed

- Sleeps

Silly boy

It must have been the outfit
Maybe the confidence and her capable nature
No, must have been his boy eyes seeing things
Must have been that moment when she didn’t back away at a given statement
Must have been that strange spark of joy and energy that came from nowhere
Must have been like her he didn’t feel fulfilled by casual sex, instead found the connection was most exciting
Maybe it was her leaning on him at the bar
The taxi ride
The topics of conversation that no one else could understand
The phone calls
The looks
The...
Must have been a thousand things which finally made him lean in and attempt to kiss her
But she turned  her face away as she didn’t want to be a silly girl
This made him feel like a silly boy
Only a boy feels joy. Men have to bear it.

- Sleeps

Invite

(You) invite me in

I want to fall to my knees and place my forehead to the ground in respect

The nerves. The pulse. The death of me.

But we are surrounded

But you are not here

But I do not exist

I keep composed on the surface. I’m good at that.

But it begins to kill me inside and I begin to crack when I drink.

Thank god I’m in another country

Thanks good you can’t listen

When did a floating soul become so heavy?

Life was fun when I hated myself

The lights are bright but I’ve seen these signs before… And I know I’m about to be rejected.

By her. By me.

And maybe I should be

Piece of shit like me. Robot. Selfish.

What happens out there, kills in here

Silly boy. Big mouth.

Dreams. No feet.

Believing in… just believing.

I wish I could meet me back when I was that clown

I wonder if I would relate

To me in the past

To me in the future

Would I be my favourite drinking buddy?

Where are those people now?

I love losing count of all those I have met

No hate for one of them, just positive interaction

Guess I knew answers are impossible if you can’t formulate or articulate your questions

So I didn’t ask questions & I laughed at your answers

A fucking lie like you trying to tell a burning soul like me. How dare you.

This anger and disdain, is it toward you or toward me?

Like religions get stuck on the metaphor, am I getting stuck on something similar?

I’m empty as all that I am pours out into words

Words I leave as clues

Clues across the globe. Across the times

And while you search for me I am busy slowly dying

The ultimate paradox I am so proud to have constructed

- Sleeps

Pedestal

They look at each other
One of them just stepped off the pedestal but they’re not sure who
So they’re not sure what to say...
He kicks the pedestal over and smiles
They both laugh
She stands up the pedestal and invites him up to stand
As he proceeds to climb the pedestal, she shoves him aside and jumps up
She then strikes a pose and sticks out her tongue
After a moment of admiration she steps down and it hurts him to see.
They swap places
He poses. He pauses. He looks down and realised if she were to kick the pedestal he would fall and it would hurt too
He steps down, kicks over the pedestal and smiles
They both laugh.
After a while he then realised he is miserable
He pulls a gun to his head
Just to do it
Just to feel the cold steel
He realises she has done so too
One of them did so first but they’re not sure who
She drops and kicks away the gun and smiles
They both laugh
He  picks up her gun and invites her to use it
She is not sure if he’s serious...

The long walk

A distant wall
I try talking to it. A week passes. The home no longer stands.
I tap. I wait. I leave. I walk
Through the cool evening. I walk so slowly the people don’t realise I’m passing by
I was alone and happy
I am not alone now so sad
I think of you but hate the surface talk
I wonder which of our steps made us slip in to the depths of the lake
I wonder what changed when I saw you wet
When I heard your lone voice without it drowning through the noise of others
We could leave the kids to squabble and learn how to interact with each other
We could scream into the night
We could sit in silence
We could dry each other off slowly
... Or we could jump back in to the lake

- Sleeps

Context

The language of our soul has no concept of context.
I have found.
No intent, just resonance.
The most content and/or invigorating.
I pull these words out of context and you with them
In a time where the dominant philosophy is romanticism
Which has a higher importance than love itself
You asked me if it was enough
...
It is not
...
I’m not sure I ever intended it to be.
As I lift these words, I lift myself too out of context
To play as a soul
And as I recover mine
I realise
I miss you

- Sleeps

If this were us...

A journey
Air into the lungs
Back seat
Under cover
Hands held. To dance. To move. Just to hold.
A joke. That all smile and all contribute to, whether butt or architect
Caring more for each other than ourselves.
Tomorrow we could die and that’s a humorous predicament to us all
For that, none of us can be “trusted”
But who needs trust in a totalitarian paradigm?
Just do as you’re told, as peace is more important than freedom. More important than truth.
Venturing the cold as a choice
Remaining sober as a choice
Being high on life as a result

... Because life is simply the game you choose to play

- Sleeps