Hair check

I still check my hair before I see you
Still conscious of my crooked smile when talking with you
Still notice you noticing me
And still untrusting of the way you play with your hair
With baby steps you ask what I'm doing later
But your pride is a predator, which slowly corners you when we're apart

I still check my hair before I see you
But less so reply to dead end messages
(As I can now recognise those sent from the predator)

- Sleeps

The day i renounced love

The day I renounced love, I began to finally feel it.
You see, Disney fairy tales and love songs betrayed me
As beautiful and emotionally engaging they were, they ultimately led me to an unrealistic expectation of how and what I 'should' be feeling
For years I thought I was either a robot or extremely unlucky to not be able to feel what they felt.
Only ever being able to relate to songs and movies of loss and sorrow.
An alien to words and feelings described, I saw love as a transaction. A wall too hide behind for the faint and confused.

With the world being so emotionally clumsy
It's hard to trust your heart in anyone's hands.
So we guard our hearts instead of using them.

I found 'love' doesn't hurt, our ego do.

- sleeps

Dwarfen Pub

What a place to be
Debating bee's and the morality of washing your hands to kill living organisms...

After days of capturing our rehearsed emotions, we took old bicycles and rode through the country side.
Sacrificing sweat for distance we made Oak with plenty of time to kill with local beers & ales
I'd never really had this.
A place.
A time.
Many people wait about for one, never to find as I have that you make your own time. You make your own place. Just may have to let go of a few things to do so first.
Strange that once I let go I never felt I did.
So guarded and fiercefully protective of the memories and emotions felt of a dead person.
The never ending regret and sickened feeling left by the void, knowing they shall never be replaced... but not mindful or experienced enough to ask if they should be.
My greatest work wasn't sorrow. It wasn't pain or even tradegy.
It was erratic honesty. And with that came acceptance.
So here we drink unnamed nettle brews and I share with myself what this means to me... What you mean to me... What she meant to me.
Erratically and honestly.
Before long the summer day cools and clear night begins and with these terrible dynamos on our bikes, there's no chance of light without having a heart attack.
So may starlight lead the way or hearts guide our path... And if all else fails conversation will keep us from being lost.

They always do, my dear friend James.

- sleeps

Science

I heard a sweeping statement, which interestingly I found really bugged me. I'm paraphrasing but along the lines of "science is found to be wrong a lot of the time".
True science is never "wrong" as it should never be positioned as "right" or "true".

A true scientist knows that one of the fundamental principles of science is:

"if a theory is successful, it does not follow that it is correct. “Consequently, theories are never empirically verifiable” (K. Popper). According to Popper, consistency is not a truth criterion, but, on the other hand, inconsistency does falsify a theory. No all-inclusive theorem, like “All swans are white” can ever be verified, not even by endless experimentation. Theories can only survive, and are only provisionally valid, for as long as they are not shown to be false by empirical reality (when a single black swan is found), and subsequently replaced by a new, better theory."

That's the beauty of science. The belief that we don't know everything so instead we hold up theories and develop amazing technologies to improve our lives until we find there's a more accurate theory and application of it.

We once thought the world was flat.
We then though Earth was the centre of the universe.
Maybe for the moment we think time is only in one direction... Who knows.

I chose scientific approach over bias opinion as I'm brave enough to be wrong. I'm excited to be wrong as it means I'll learn something in the hopes of being better off for it. Only arrogance knows everything (for sure).

There was nothing

I stopped the chit chat
The conversations about the weather
I stopped the 'how was your day'
The generic habits we call 'relationships'
And I stopped responding to all the conversations we feel is adequate 'communication'
I wanted to see if anyone noticed
To see if, when I divert the conversations, there were anything different in the out come...
I found most people were content and believed we had rapport just by having talked at me.
I found few noticed my lack of conversational investment, but in turn were content and believed we had rapport just by me giving them a top line of my day.
I wondered what would happen if I instead started to share and talk through my feelings and beliefs. My current conditions and confusion.
Understood it wouldn't be easy, no one needs that at the end of a long day or as a passing hallway conversation or cheeky catch up down the pub.
Besides we barely have a grasp on our thoughts...
Maybe instead I'll take the time I use to spend on general conversation and put it to another use... Introspection perhaps.
With all that time deep in my mind I'm bound to stumble upon some form of philosophical insight! A new calling or purpose of the soul!

... There was nothing.

Then there was Xbox... YouTube, music, writing, online shopping, Jujitsu, drumming... I stopped thinking about conversing and became happier.

In the absence of activity I found I had little friends so I turned to drink to make do with acquaintances.
In the absence of drink, I found the search for myself but had little interest.

So if you have no purpose, perhaps the only logical thing is to challenge other people's.

Children playing with Monogamy

I don't believe in monogamy.
Not that I need or want to have multiple partners... Where would i find the time and patience, lol.
But I don't necessarily feel it's the only choice or option we have and feel there something unfortunate about the shutting down and persecution of genuine love in other forms.
I feel, to an extent and as a culture, we're still infants.
You know how kids get terribly upset and cry when they can't have what they want?
That's us with broken hearts.
And how kids are unable to share and get angry at the idea when it involves their sweets or toys.
... That's us with our relationships.
"I'm going to love you and no one else and youre going to love only me, because if you love anyone else that would be too much for my ego to handle"

Imagine being able to love unconditionally
Giving the best of yourself to anyone that needs it.

Again, don't get me wrong there's a tremendous amount of value in monogamy and the deep bonds it may provide. The stability it brings when you 'belong' to someone and someone 'belongs' to you...

To belong is deep in our nature, but what if we stopped treating each other like possessions, even if in a positively intended sense?

Abyss

Distraction or depression?
Monogamy or wilderness?
Comfort or excitement?
Something new doesn't exist... Just desperate out cries of raw emotion.
Happiness is only hard if we believe we need things.
Happiness is only true if we believe we deserve it.
I'm bored.