A suicide note

Thank you all so much for being a part of the time and experience of my life
I've had so many fantastic, special and unique moments it would be impossible to find the time to recall them all nor would I do then justice with words so I shall simply honour them with quiet reflection
If I had chosen to stay alive I'm certain I would have met more amazing people and had more moments to cherish
It must be made know there is no specific reason for my suicide, I simply found myself a little bored one day and was interested in experiencing death
No philosophical musing or despair
No statement or rebellion
Simply one choice made over another

- sleeps

When i had proposed

When I had proposed to her, I felt like many men had done when proposing to their other half...
A deep and profound feeling of... Regret
Like, what am I doing? Or more accurately, why am I doing this?
From that moment on my partner and I began to argue. Something we'd never really done before. Not like this. Not big, just little things, stupid things
I suppose every little thing becomes a big deal when 'forever' is at stake, which then put puts 'forever' at stake.
What makes a good partner an equally good wife?
The term alone sounds absurd to me.
But then so is life itself, so suppose this, much like all else, is simply a choice

Beepboop

Retrospect says time can be replaced by memory
Science says time can be replaced by distance

With the world being so emotionally clumsy
It's hard to trust your heart in anyone's hands

5a.5b

An icey lake is difficult to imagine when your back is burning from embarrassment
But there we stood calmly breathing cool air watching the mountains as if they were expected to do something
Maps couldn't guide us through these emotions even with data, so we flutter and hide.
Like the game the universe plays with itself, from the smallest of sparks we will simply set goals, rules, wins and losses arbitrarily
And to all those sparks lost or ignored... We reminisce and tell ourselves stories. Whether fairy tale or tradegy depends on our mood.
So we create objects and life to perhaps then set its fait to be destroyed
But at least the moment held something... however arbtrary and subjective.

- sleeps

City Grin

Building lights are like teeth as the city grins at night. Almost like it knows what's in store if I were to let one drink turn into many and a conversation turn into a shouting match. So there she stood ready to challenge my wit with no clue how to... Like blood in the water to me as I'm a shark when it comes to this. I tell her to live large before the city begins to frown and pay respects to the demons as these teeth can turn sharp if you're not careful. It was a dangerous circus until she realised nothing was as serious as she first thought, and at first thought she'd never had thought the last thought would feel so calming despite the tired aching body slowly making its way home.

- sleeps

Hair check

I still check my hair before I see you
Still conscious of my crooked smile when talking with you
Still notice you noticing me
And still untrusting of the way you play with your hair
With baby steps you ask what I'm doing later
But your pride is a predator, which slowly corners you when we're apart

I still check my hair before I see you
But less so reply to dead end messages
(As I can now recognise those sent from the predator)

- Sleeps

The day i renounced love

The day I renounced love, I began to finally feel it.
You see, Disney fairy tales and love songs betrayed me
As beautiful and emotionally engaging they were, they ultimately led me to an unrealistic expectation of how and what I 'should' be feeling
For years I thought I was either a robot or extremely unlucky to not be able to feel what they felt.
Only ever being able to relate to songs and movies of loss and sorrow.
An alien to words and feelings described, I saw love as a transaction. A wall too hide behind for the faint and confused.

With the world being so emotionally clumsy
It's hard to trust your heart in anyone's hands.
So we guard our hearts instead of using them.

I found 'love' doesn't hurt, our ego do.

- sleeps