5a.5b

An icey lake is difficult to imagine when your back is burning from embarrassment
But there we stood calmly breathing cool air watching the mountains as if they were expected to do something
Maps couldn't guide us through these emotions even with data, so we flutter and hide.
Like the game the universe plays with itself, from the smallest of sparks we will simply set goals, rules, wins and losses arbitrarily
And to all those sparks lost or ignored... We reminisce and tell ourselves stories. Whether fairy tale or tradegy depends on our mood.
So we create objects and life to perhaps then set its fait to be destroyed
But at least the moment held something... however arbtrary and subjective.

- sleeps

City Grin

Building lights are like teeth as the city grins at night. Almost like it knows what's in store if I were to let one drink turn into many and a conversation turn into a shouting match. So there she stood ready to challenge my wit with no clue how to... Like blood in the water to me as I'm a shark when it comes to this. I tell her to live large before the city begins to frown and pay respects to the demons as these teeth can turn sharp if you're not careful. It was a dangerous circus until she realised nothing was as serious as she first thought, and at first thought she'd never had thought the last thought would feel so calming despite the tired aching body slowly making its way home.

- sleeps

Hair check

I still check my hair before I see you
Still conscious of my crooked smile when talking with you
Still notice you noticing me
And still untrusting of the way you play with your hair
With baby steps you ask what I'm doing later
But your pride is a predator, which slowly corners you when we're apart

I still check my hair before I see you
But less so reply to dead end messages
(As I can now recognise those sent from the predator)

- Sleeps

The day i renounced love

The day I renounced love, I began to finally feel it.
You see, Disney fairy tales and love songs betrayed me
As beautiful and emotionally engaging they were, they ultimately led me to an unrealistic expectation of how and what I 'should' be feeling
For years I thought I was either a robot or extremely unlucky to not be able to feel what they felt.
Only ever being able to relate to songs and movies of loss and sorrow.
An alien to words and feelings described, I saw love as a transaction. A wall too hide behind for the faint and confused.

With the world being so emotionally clumsy
It's hard to trust your heart in anyone's hands.
So we guard our hearts instead of using them.

I found 'love' doesn't hurt, our ego do.

- sleeps

Dwarfen Pub

What a place to be
Debating bee's and the morality of washing your hands to kill living organisms...

After days of capturing our rehearsed emotions, we took old bicycles and rode through the country side.
Sacrificing sweat for distance we made Oak with plenty of time to kill with local beers & ales
I'd never really had this.
A place.
A time.
Many people wait about for one, never to find as I have that you make your own time. You make your own place. Just may have to let go of a few things to do so first.
Strange that once I let go I never felt I did.
So guarded and fiercefully protective of the memories and emotions felt of a dead person.
The never ending regret and sickened feeling left by the void, knowing they shall never be replaced... but not mindful or experienced enough to ask if they should be.
My greatest work wasn't sorrow. It wasn't pain or even tradegy.
It was erratic honesty. And with that came acceptance.
So here we drink unnamed nettle brews and I share with myself what this means to me... What you mean to me... What she meant to me.
Erratically and honestly.
Before long the summer day cools and clear night begins and with these terrible dynamos on our bikes, there's no chance of light without having a heart attack.
So may starlight lead the way or hearts guide our path... And if all else fails conversation will keep us from being lost.

They always do, my dear friend James.

- sleeps

Science

I heard a sweeping statement, which interestingly I found really bugged me. I'm paraphrasing but along the lines of "science is found to be wrong a lot of the time".
True science is never "wrong" as it should never be positioned as "right" or "true".

A true scientist knows that one of the fundamental principles of science is:

"if a theory is successful, it does not follow that it is correct. “Consequently, theories are never empirically verifiable” (K. Popper). According to Popper, consistency is not a truth criterion, but, on the other hand, inconsistency does falsify a theory. No all-inclusive theorem, like “All swans are white” can ever be verified, not even by endless experimentation. Theories can only survive, and are only provisionally valid, for as long as they are not shown to be false by empirical reality (when a single black swan is found), and subsequently replaced by a new, better theory."

That's the beauty of science. The belief that we don't know everything so instead we hold up theories and develop amazing technologies to improve our lives until we find there's a more accurate theory and application of it.

We once thought the world was flat.
We then though Earth was the centre of the universe.
Maybe for the moment we think time is only in one direction... Who knows.

I chose scientific approach over bias opinion as I'm brave enough to be wrong. I'm excited to be wrong as it means I'll learn something in the hopes of being better off for it. Only arrogance knows everything (for sure).

There was nothing

I stopped the chit chat
The conversations about the weather
I stopped the 'how was your day'
The generic habits we call 'relationships'
And I stopped responding to all the conversations we feel is adequate 'communication'
I wanted to see if anyone noticed
To see if, when I divert the conversations, there were anything different in the out come...
I found most people were content and believed we had rapport just by having talked at me.
I found few noticed my lack of conversational investment, but in turn were content and believed we had rapport just by me giving them a top line of my day.
I wondered what would happen if I instead started to share and talk through my feelings and beliefs. My current conditions and confusion.
Understood it wouldn't be easy, no one needs that at the end of a long day or as a passing hallway conversation or cheeky catch up down the pub.
Besides we barely have a grasp on our thoughts...
Maybe instead I'll take the time I use to spend on general conversation and put it to another use... Introspection perhaps.
With all that time deep in my mind I'm bound to stumble upon some form of philosophical insight! A new calling or purpose of the soul!

... There was nothing.

Then there was Xbox... YouTube, music, writing, online shopping, Jujitsu, drumming... I stopped thinking about conversing and became happier.

In the absence of activity I found I had little friends so I turned to drink to make do with acquaintances.
In the absence of drink, I found the search for myself but had little interest.

So if you have no purpose, perhaps the only logical thing is to challenge other people's.