Prick

It's lost. So quickly gone.
From laughing hard in bed together to this.
From playfully pouncing on me to walking from me.
It doesn't hurt seeing her
It doesn't hurt speaking with her or interacting with her
It just hurts when I hear her laugh. To hear her doing ok.
That makes me a prick I know. It tells me I'm subconsciously angry and a bit bitter
So i move on to this self contained subject. This blog. These words. This belief.
'Her'... 'she'... 'me'...'I'... is any of this real?
Do people not understand a concept of a moment?
Am i so disconnected and progressive that i destroy my connections through my conceptions?

I am to blame.
I am proven wrong and am told i can either express myself alone to allow my relationships to bloom or express myself to people and be alone for it.

- Sleeps

I am a simple sword

The nights adventure
The clean conscious of drinking w/ friends but moving alone
So now alone in a bar too early for the stag
The barmaid kind and warm to welcome, the manager speaking to me w/ disgust
I'm early. I have no collar. A bag and scruffy trainers
I'm here to slowly penetrate the loss.
Here to warm the miss... Then dance w/ gay guys who know how to laugh.
I am clean but intoxicated
Bold but a little nervous as I have so much to argue about and my drunken state gets rowdy with humor
Don't miss me as I am nothing.
A traveling circus too afraid to stop and depend on others excitement...
As they have none... And they call me the complicated one... Huh.
A week without becomes a new quest
A treasure that smugly moves through those trying desperately to impress.
Send him off.
Visit and smile.
Cocktail attire.
Kinky whispers.
What the fuck else would you want from me?

I have nothing else but a fight for you (so let's harm each other until we heal)

- Sleeps

Silence

3.58am
I need silence.
Quiet is no longer good enough.
I hear the fridge hum in the kitchen, my heart beat through my ear on the pillow, the 'shhh' and russell of moving my head to adjust and now suddenly I am wide awake.
Re think the day, events and my actions
Now the sound of my thoughts...
I do not remember silence
Silence of thought... I guess that's why they meditate
How easy to ruin a chance
How easy to make noise
How easy to be here
I now think of being there with out of character words and desires
To be someone else only to find it is still me, just not my pre-conceived version I thought I always would be

Am I awake?

- Sleeps

I nearly ran

Don't make eye contact
All the Brazilian crowd did was keep me from clarity
shes too tough to die, a world war and multiple strokes
She misses her partner but is at peace with this world
I'll teach you brother if only I could remember your name and to take your number.
Cuteness from afar is all she will keep, the language was a simple joke and the famous name drop was a side note
I'm too tough to die.
I'm too excited to bring down for too long.
3am still hitting the bar laughing. It's a week day and my friends are a strong night.
The wave and wind hits me through and I enjoy the sun now
Jump and fall please so I can pick you up or at least meet me on the floor.
Bruises and cuts have nothing on us so I will poke yours for fun.
I hope you do the same

- Sleeps

Fine

I remember the morning
Getting ready
I remember arguing with my mother about what I wanted to wear for the funeral
I remember staring at the floor
Being touched and spoken to by all my different friends but couldn't confirm who.
The heaviness of my head and throat I placed a note in the casket...
I'm not sure what I wrote... If I wrote anything.
A dream followed.
Despite how distant and angry I tried to be you still breezed into my room to light up and say "I love you 'E'" followed shortly by "you won't tell my mum I smoke will you"
The list to follow would take me
The list to date keeps me
"no" she replies abruptly and continues to...
I now make judgements I no longer feel the need to share
It's not fine, not for me.

- Sleeps