Note to Nanny

Note's and comments will not, by any means, encompass what we mean to 'say' nor the complexity in which we feel, yet like "apes banging kettles" to communicate we explore the forms until we feel content. Such is this 'blog'. I suppose sometimes my preferred form is silence... and time, which i have found to be the most fascinating since everything can reside within the combination.

Nanny, you were my link to the past. A past in which i never knew but was brought to both life and context. History books on the war were like tales of Narnia, until you described the action of "hugging the floor" followed by the reasons why. My Father was somewhat of a rumour in many ways until you began to shed light on his character, kind spirit and looks. The link was shattered a bit when granddad passed and with it some family bonds too... You were the glue and in your weakened state, arguably gaps could begin to be observed. We could scream for consistency and security but only fools believe things will always remain the same.

You were a link to affection, teaching me you're never too old for it. Seeing some forms may be more well received than others by a teenage boy, even if it was the remnance of a childhood fondness for back rubs. For also having such a welcome home for any girlfriends i may have been seeing and for such honest feedback on them when i was back home. I laughed out loud so hard the way you didn't like one of them. 

I'd like to think of your passing as a good thing and hope it is gentle release from the madness, confusion and uncomfort that surrounded you in the last period of your life. I will not waste time nor try comfort myself through assuming your next steps, but shall reflect, cherish & honor every moment having spent with you in person, in communication or in thought as i do today. Much love and respect for all that you were and all that did to pioneer this family. x

'Love' e loss

Seems our love is only as big as our losses.
Everything else is the sustain of day to day and distance of spaces we fear.
Since I have wished for nothing but death to me I welcome nothing but truth
Truth to hurt my ego and home.
I am no one to judge but seeing you, my friend, my dear dear friend in dark corners discussing touch I feel nothing but regret and disappointment.
Nothing I dream of exists so my dreams are now nothing.
No path like no stars darkness on knees and and heavy neck. The weight of tears too much to hold in eye I die
I die
Please let me
Die

- sleeps

Either

Leaving. Either way.
Us from them or them from us.
But it's not just the separation
It's who parted from who and the intent that came with
I finally understand why I drink...
The distraction
Which is not complete until my focus is compromised.
So give me random. Give me no need. Give me you. Especially if you take me away from my limits
Until then encased solitary.
But what self controlled bore I have become. Responsibility lightened by challenges set lets see...
Lets see that teenager who found reason to grow.
Lets see this adult who is finding reason to digress.

- Sleeps

No Retreat

I don't need you
I dont need you to reciprocate... or to appreciate
I don't need you for the love i have for you
I don't need you to qualify the admiration that triumphs
You are the beginning but not the end
You are the source, the seed but not the need
And my gracious heart is thankful to no end not just to you but to me for seeing that
For seeing love in you, for you and if i am one day lucky - with you.

The I that was in love

I never knew what to make of love
It was always held in such high regard and even I burned for it...
But never knew what to make of it
I always interpreted it as a selfish act as my only conscious experience of it was others needing and demand through it.
"I love you because of the way you make ME feel"
"You don't love me because of what you don't give me"
I was the same. Would only say the words to keep them from walking away or simply to keep the peace.
When I actually felt nothing.
The ego too proud to admit I was nothing.
All my jokes, witty comments, my deep thoughts and words...
All simple reflections of a bruised ego...
A dying ego now deprived.
And as "I" - that was - gradually dies, love - that is - grows and pulsates like the deafening ring of the ears after a loud concert
The ache of an overworked body finally laying to rest
This is new love.
Love from me but outside of me.
Love who's only focus and concern is your happiness
Of your well being
Of your comfort and grace in the world
I no longer think of me when I think of you yet I am the happiest I've ever felt
about you

- Sleeps

The power of admiration

Did I catch you or did you want me to see?
It's the comfort that seems to have come over time.
She was outspoken in complimenting me... But I didn't quite understand what she was saying.
I have no interest in domination, that time is behind me and I gave away the ending but getting better at telling my story.
My story was only ever interesting in retrospect but now interesting and exciting in real time.
That fact you thought of me just makes me... Happy.
Like breathing in air from being under water. Like the moment you realise the hangover is gone.

- Sleeps

Gate

Please don't ask me to open up fully
I don't exactly know what it means to
Besides experience has shown me to keep some things to myself.
It's only the songs and movies that tell us otherwise.
The same songs and movies that gave us such high expectations we rejected anything else.
I fear if I open the flood gates you will wash away... And worst, I won't even notice until I'm empty and can no longer see you near.
-
But you're already empty
The floor gates hold nothing but rocks and boulders.
You need to let them go.
Fill yourself with clean fresh water
Keep it safe, the clear water is precious in these times and all times.
Still climb mountains and dive dark sea's, you will be encouraged to
But come home or at least take a little with you.


- Sleeps