Player

I'm not a player
I'm just a stupid bloke on booze
And tomorrow i'll feel a lot more confused
About these actions and these words spoken with you
'Cause i'm a lost cause and not sure what to do
So call a taxi, girl
Before i get touchy feely, not in a sleazy way!
It's just your affection I crave
I feel ashamed at my dependance on you
And ashamed at my alternate view
You see it's easy to try pull your friend instead of you
Because rejection is easy when it's not from you

- Sleeps

Flake

A winter in the park 

I left quietly, didn't want anyone to know i was meeting her after dark

It all started as just a laugh

But then pretty soon became an integral part of my heart

She said 'I warmed you before, I can warm your heart again'

No courage to face my eyes she used an electronic pen

But it's too late i'm out now

Being clown for the crowd loud

I'd die happy sharing my feelings but way too proud

So have we not been this place before?

Truth is i'm not too sure 'cause we're both way too quick to head for the door 

I dont know what happened before - i get my cronology confused & every attempt to make sense your ego gets bruised 

Only ever tried to make amends 

But these days you only ever speak to me when youre in between boyfriends

Which results in all those messages i dont send

So i keep my mind busy on the weekends

Go for a surf or just chat shit w/ my friends 

Until another avoided day comes to an end

The hurt tries to resurface but nowadays it justs blends in

To the day to day i hope that one day i could somehow feel again 

And be connected to... to a not so distant mind set

See i bet you can stop your heart fluttering

I bet you tell your fella you're not suffering

I bet you couldnt share with an empty room where you mothers been

And i bet i could tell you to fuck off nowadays without stuttering

So tell me where's all this love been hiding?

And what's all this emotion keeping us crying?

I should've said goodbye

should've done so years ago 

but still to this day you're my only hero!

So from a superman to a zero, i know thats my doing

But constantly pursuing... A death to my kingdom 

So death to my kingdom

May the palace be empty and a deep burn for anyone who loves me

...

So wake up!

All i'm good for is entertainment

And deluding myself thinking that the day would come

5am skyping anyone who will have me 

As so far sleep's done absolutely nothing for me

So you're bored of me? still adore me!

And anything about me, 

Words, pictures, captured motion, act like you cant live without me

It seems how i justify my life is the extent of your interest

Until oneday this warrior will gracefully end the conquest

And possibly lay this heart to rest and ease his burning flesh

Stop denying this life may be a mess

A challenge i confess, with documented steps, anything more is just simply no of your business

- Sleeps

The importance of promise

I'm not sure anyone in my life has promised me anything.
It's funny how lack of a promise can make you feel vulnerable, forcing you to fend for yourself.
Those who know me know I never promise. I take them seriously and that's a lot of duty for a boy.
Growing older I wish I had made more promises. I wish I still kept them and could think back to any I broke and why.
Now with the growing need for meaning and relation I dabble in promise. I start with simple things. Things that would seem trivial and arbitrary to those in my life but unknown to them are the biggest and most important things to me.

I could only make a promise to someone I trust, which is odd since I'd be the one to be held accountable, but then if someone I trust has influenced or requested a promise, I do trust it is for the best.

A man needs a code... 'morals'... Something to dedicate himself to.
This defines the man.
But it all means nothing if he does not exercise or place them into practice.
Another shade to add to the color of our depth.
This defines the individual.

- Sleeps

Skin

"You lost it!"
It's ok, I can always try and get it back... If I want to.
The monsters in the head are now but play mates so no urgencies here.
Just a calm approach to destruction and fear.
Competitive banta dies away to a down to earth conversation about who we are. Money is passed, signature signed.
I have interest for you.
You remind me of what I was once after and so infatuated with.
Legs exposed but responsibility weighted in my background I shall only pursue something true with you. So warm palm will heat the distance you feel and I extend my arm in offer to bridge the gap in what you feel you are missing.
No savior here, a simple partner in adventure.

- Sleeps

Tone

Benefit skewed by the belief
My questionable nature quietened her to a pause.
Not sure how to take me she smiles and carries on
'We can't all find someone to love' she states with a hint of regret.
Before I could reply she spits out 'I know, we have to love ourself first' with what I could only interpret as distain but was not so sure I could be sure about this girl anymore.
People with awareness of their own folly always have both fascinated and eluded me.
'We can't all love Jesus' I said
To which she directly responded
'We can't all be smart', with a tone of genius I would've never had expected.
I laughed and i told her i was quoting Todd Mckenzie with;
'The only advantage of being smart is that you can act dumb'
She chuckled, 'I wish I could get to know you better but concerned you'd change me more than I would you...'
'I'm not so sure about that.' I replied.
Sarcastically and with her hands in the air 'please do change me!'
'I already have' I bow like a magician would and vanish.

An hour later she grabs me at the bar, kisses me on the lips and gently touches my face, her palm moving down my beard then lifting to leave just the delicate touch of her fingers...
'Now I've changed you'

- Sleeps

Object

Come on girl, show me an object
But don't tell me it's beauty
This is the season for two
And I'm hurting just like you
... So please make me smile
As its always the other way around
And now I'm down
(You know I'm down)

- Sleeps

Prick

It's lost. So quickly gone.
From laughing hard in bed together to this.
From playfully pouncing on me to walking from me.
It doesn't hurt seeing her
It doesn't hurt speaking with her or interacting with her
It just hurts when I hear her laugh. To hear her doing ok.
That makes me a prick I know. It tells me I'm subconsciously angry and a bit bitter
So i move on to this self contained subject. This blog. These words. This belief.
'Her'... 'she'... 'me'...'I'... is any of this real?
Do people not understand a concept of a moment?
Am i so disconnected and progressive that i destroy my connections through my conceptions?

I am to blame.
I am proven wrong and am told i can either express myself alone to allow my relationships to bloom or express myself to people and be alone for it.

- Sleeps

I am a simple sword

The nights adventure
The clean conscious of drinking w/ friends but moving alone
So now alone in a bar too early for the stag
The barmaid kind and warm to welcome, the manager speaking to me w/ disgust
I'm early. I have no collar. A bag and scruffy trainers
I'm here to slowly penetrate the loss.
Here to warm the miss... Then dance w/ gay guys who know how to laugh.
I am clean but intoxicated
Bold but a little nervous as I have so much to argue about and my drunken state gets rowdy with humor
Don't miss me as I am nothing.
A traveling circus too afraid to stop and depend on others excitement...
As they have none... And they call me the complicated one... Huh.
A week without becomes a new quest
A treasure that smugly moves through those trying desperately to impress.
Send him off.
Visit and smile.
Cocktail attire.
Kinky whispers.
What the fuck else would you want from me?

I have nothing else but a fight for you (so let's harm each other until we heal)

- Sleeps

Silence

3.58am
I need silence.
Quiet is no longer good enough.
I hear the fridge hum in the kitchen, my heart beat through my ear on the pillow, the 'shhh' and russell of moving my head to adjust and now suddenly I am wide awake.
Re think the day, events and my actions
Now the sound of my thoughts...
I do not remember silence
Silence of thought... I guess that's why they meditate
How easy to ruin a chance
How easy to make noise
How easy to be here
I now think of being there with out of character words and desires
To be someone else only to find it is still me, just not my pre-conceived version I thought I always would be

Am I awake?

- Sleeps

I nearly ran

Don't make eye contact
All the Brazilian crowd did was keep me from clarity
shes too tough to die, a world war and multiple strokes
She misses her partner but is at peace with this world
I'll teach you brother if only I could remember your name and to take your number.
Cuteness from afar is all she will keep, the language was a simple joke and the famous name drop was a side note
I'm too tough to die.
I'm too excited to bring down for too long.
3am still hitting the bar laughing. It's a week day and my friends are a strong night.
The wave and wind hits me through and I enjoy the sun now
Jump and fall please so I can pick you up or at least meet me on the floor.
Bruises and cuts have nothing on us so I will poke yours for fun.
I hope you do the same

- Sleeps

Fine

I remember the morning
Getting ready
I remember arguing with my mother about what I wanted to wear for the funeral
I remember staring at the floor
Being touched and spoken to by all my different friends but couldn't confirm who.
The heaviness of my head and throat I placed a note in the casket...
I'm not sure what I wrote... If I wrote anything.
A dream followed.
Despite how distant and angry I tried to be you still breezed into my room to light up and say "I love you 'E'" followed shortly by "you won't tell my mum I smoke will you"
The list to follow would take me
The list to date keeps me
"no" she replies abruptly and continues to...
I now make judgements I no longer feel the need to share
It's not fine, not for me.

- Sleeps

Float

You just float
Float above and past us
You float through us as we hurt
And float into us when u feel we no longer need you
You are a ghost
A ghost we feel we need connection to
A dead entity we feel we still need to be whole
But the death of you liberated us
The death of you gave birth to our former self
You leave us behind as dirt scrambling for glory
But this dirt gives life to roots and smirks at glory
The old gig house smelling of puke and stale beer has been close but many have found sole there. I wish you were found before I found you
You found you through loss of me so I am the loss of nothing
I love you
I forgive you
And know my plea for forgiveness is now redundant
You are sublime and to hear the voice of you thoughts would be the most enlightening rollercoster known to man

Since it missed me

Since it missed you
What I went through
Your heart lost
So did mine
I don't miss the summer time but do look forward to it
I like spring and the freshness of the tomatoes. Crisp and cool.
It's warm, not hot
I'm calm and not flustered
I don't mind sweating but awkward in work shirts or nights out when trying to impress people. I still strangely believe if the right person believed in me it would dissolve all my inner wars.
Happy and slow I play music for my home and imagine the sound and love it took to create it being absorbed into the walls.
I gave this world and people close to me destruction. This place in return gave me peace.
I postulated that if I removed the needs of me it remove the need for me
This changes in context with others until the same is applied so are wants and needs so bad?
Maybe don't change my wants and needs but instead the way I want and need them.

- Sleeps

Mr go to

Love is for free... But still costs me
(And you)
Love is for free when you need not
Like most things
These tickets are on me
The embarrassment pulls me back to her desk.
I'm not sure whether you appreciated them or me more.
I never made it easy and all were watching. The skill was playing it down.

Fell hard. So never again...
Or at least for this year.
My new years resolution will be to fall again
She's known to be reserved, annoying and weird. Her friend says she just needs to get laid... By me they point out.
Mr go to guy
Mr feel nothing
It's intimacy I lack not sex or friendship
But then is there anyway to reach it without going through either?

- Sleeps

Symbolic gesture

I turned to find her making heart shaped gestures to me
So embarrassed she quickly dropped her hands and turned to her friend to talk as if nothing had happend.
It was a symbol.
I had not seen a symbolic gesture for a long while and felt joy to find people still expressed them-self these days.
Question was it was a symbol for what?
Admiration? Hidden affection? Lust? Fancy?...
I turned back with a grin.
I respect any and all who expose their heart.
A chance, a risk, a whole new life direction.
Drive the change and embrace all reaction.

- Sleeps

It wasn't even a txt

Emotions take our soul to places our minds can't comprehend
Whether kiss or fall or conversation with friend.
This place has stars and stars have space, the fabric of which many clever men try to illustrate through equation.
In awe from afar and burn when near
To heart at ease our backs are to nothing. And to nothing is what this life has passionate agenda for.
So placed are we between star this earth is of wonder to the life we have or have not chosen.

- Sleeps

Scream on hill

Why would you scream so much?
Why would you express so much to the world?
... And why would the world listen?
You all drink to give voice to your demands... Or at least to by pass your inhibitions.
I chain but now to my playful soul.
No longer hit with the urgency of what I want. What I want is not important and in many ways not worthy of my time.
Things are fun without need
And I need nothing.
So as soft as the breeze I kiss your beautiful neck
And as subtle as a storm I dance with my lost mind to slowly open to find confused faces.
This is why they ask me to exist
I'm smarter than I give myself credit for but stupider than my life's worth which gives the remainder as a...

- sleeps

Sofa

Lay, laugh and sip on sofa
We're older
As is this whiskey.
Straight.
Crooked view or more clarified than ever before... But drop sense for our own interest.
I love you and glad you're here to watch aliens tear the idiots apart.

Reason

I have something I want
I have something I don't want
I have something taken from me
I have to prepare
I have to be beaten
As I have no reason to win
Take what is mine as I am nothing
I hope it will make you something
.
I am worthy
I contribute and help influence positivity
I am good enough for happiness!
Out side of love
For love
This place is bigger than me
And I am here to serve all within it.

- Sleeps

Bridge, under-hook, escape

He wanted to emphasise the goodbye a little more.
He wanted to hold a little longer.
He remembers the day he once said "You have me... Now what will you do with me?"
He briefly thinks over life without this.
Without this he would become himself again
(bridge, under-hook, escape)
but without this he always would be.

- Sleeps

Too far

Please take my words with a pinch of salt. But when you take my words please do not hold them as I do not trust them in your hands.
Lets keep this momentary...
Even if I call this love...
Let's keep this clean.
It's just some fun but this game strikes nerves.
Singing in an empty room has a tenth of the emotion involved with showing you I did so.
So why so low? I find you annoying so should be fobbing this off through lack of patience

- Sleeps

String

Through desperation i faced up to the sky and was calmly reminded of the meaning i gave to falecity.

the double shots shielding me were a thing of the past and im left a burning man having to face these emotions.

But i don't trust my self in this state. 

I fear my need for clarification will ruin everything & the safe guard behind ambiguity is something i'm also too familiar w/

I'll sting for you if thats what you need from me… but theres only so much anyone can take and i'm afraid your lack of affection will surely eventually push my subconscious to other people.
I've never found myself to be important and slightly uncomfortable to find when others do.
If i were important to you, what should i do?

You're not the first to call me distant. I'm hoping you'll be the last.

I need to learn. I've asked to be taught before but this was too much for them so i'm simply asking for you to understand i'm learning and see mistakes will happened but rarely repeated.

I may need to see you less but call you more

I may need to see you more but do less with you

I may need your support but learn not to expect it

I may need to give you everything plus more and expect nothing but rejection in return.

I will heal

I will scar

I will dance 

I will. I will. Die inside.

- Sleeps

They took me

It took an answer
He was so calm and relaxed
No sense of threat or desperation
... It was relief that I felt and it took me a while to realise, it'd been so long since I last felt it.
He wasn't child like, but instead playful and confident
He wouldn't answer all questions, simply asked the purpose of some of them... Which made me question me and why I was asking them. Why I had once found them so important.
My colours were artificially natural to blend in but began to feel conscious
A comparison to him would be pointless.
I gave my life for something bigger than me but it was taken from me
They lay rest ill in bed. i wish them better.

- Sleeps

All I'm Good For

Love hurts and thats all it does.
My admiration for you makes you my greatest enemy
My absence from you makes me your greatest interest
Dancing soul through fields of thought, i ought to tell you... everything
so you may now hold all the power and i may crumble and destroy myself over again.
Love destroys and thats all it does.
Your fearlessness for me makes me your passing phase
Your presence pulls me out and exposes my heart to high winds
I become a stranger to myself, re-introduced to someone i left a long time ago
Someone i never enjoy seeing, i wish i were to learn more here
So why not?
Sun's morning light hits my face, soft voice hits my ears
Bruised pride and unsure direction
Love re-builds and that's all i can hope for.
The joy, the excitement, the transient hope which gives way to...
A re-formatted smile & burn just above my stomach
I cruelly am sorry no longer
You truly are awesome to me.
Slow and careful to handle
Love brings me to you.
(for which i will gladly hurt, destroy & rebuild myself for)

- Sleeps

Brilliantly stupid

A touch out of place but placed the only time it can be without risk of deep humiliation.
We bop, shift and sing on the train I laughed and laughed at your pointless questions.
The act is over and people who work here observe our misdirected walk
Fuck 'em, we're on fire and my water bottle won't put us out.
Knowing each other well we manipulate one another for what's best for each other. Idiots on a not so particular mission evolving each step.
We are.
Easy morning. Calm. Blue ocean and subtle beer.
Body tired from fighting but soul no longer in rehab.
Now the war no longer differs win or lose, it's all simply challenges and learning which is what my continuos happiness is based on...
If you can't be smart, be brilliantly stupid.

- Sleeps

Nother

This places me
So here I wonder and wonder off
Not far from mark but enough to forget
Things were good so why risk the comfort for hurt?
Place me in a hold with no breath
Hold me until I am fatigued
Holding out for affection and kind words (that will not come) my fists can close no more.
With humour and slight of hand I may still adore but placement a far my hope fell more
Does this fate end with a clown at a bar?

- Sleeps

Kiss from a cab

She blew a kiss from a cab and it flew in to my heart
That hidden moment just for me...
I could hardly (breathe) contain myself
The little affections that mean so much
The little affections so hidden from sight
Touch. Nothing to loose, every ounce of warmth to gain
Such a moment surpasses clarity and confirmation. I'm simply lucky to have experienced it and to have felt that love again.
Love, whether romantic, sexual or admiration love, the point in fact is I feel again... I feel it again.
It knocked me back into my chair and my ride home with a drunken friend was silent with thought. Silent with fascination and excitement. Silent with the noise of an exploding mind.

She blew a kiss from a cab and it flew in to my heart... And for that brief moment I felt I was a part of something.

- Sleeps

White at night

You were young and still are in several ways... But you see.
You may not see why he left you but do see how he left you because you now see how you were when he was with you.
Leave your things, you may well discuss them one day in a bar having run in to each other.
It was nice to speak with you again after all this time.
Lips more red than they should be. I do not have much to share. I may just nod and confirm everything is going well.
I had no pull to her, her face also not looking so inviting but my dreams... My dream so vivid about you. The happiness with you and affection you began to show. One of the happiest experiences I can remember.

I should stop thinking about how you'll fit in to my life and instead how you'll fit in to my heart.


- Sleeps

Yeah distance

Yeah distance.
It's safe. From you.
Yeah distance.
I can joke from afar. I'm fine right here. Here you can't say no and end this story, this possibility.
Yeah it's distance... Which secluded you from me. I don't know if you miss me... Do you?
So yeah, distance.
Guess I'm just afraid of being friends with you

- Sleeps

The Adventurer

It's been years but I hear you in old tales I sang.
Thinking back through the adventures of you, I'm heightened.
Like a child climbing his first mountain of pillows.
Now a man to reflect the idea and the execution I could not be any more joyful.
I echoed bold and would hurt myself with truths I dare not let pass.
Let there be no sadness to farewell and us all to find clarity through confusion.

If I could take one thing alone from this... I wouldn't.

- Sleeps

What sort of kid I was

I wonder what sort of kid I was
Whether I'd take the one sweet now or wait for two sweets later.
I wonder how I'd grow up.
I wonder what sort of adult I'd become and how I'd act in desperate situations.
If I knew I were to die would I take it with grace?
Would I bear the humility connections bring and realise there is no humility in being ones self.
Whether I would turn down ease for love and trade sanity for passion?
I wonder what sort of kid I'll be.

- Sleeps

Empty seat

I don't understand
Are you still angry?
Afraid?
Do you still feel as you use to?
... Or am I slightly delusional?


- Sleeps

And The Refinement of Decline

...is simply sublime. Imagine what it would feel like to be washed over with forgiveness and relief. To witness the vast landscape of a cooling wild west at dusk. They open sound which resonates directly with your inner emotions and evolve in to a sphere of content desolation for you to reflect. its a rare thing to have something pass through your boundaries and walls as if there were not there to awaken and cleanse what you can only imagine to be your forgotten soul. a moment so special you hurt with joy and feel as if its the first breath you have take in many years. I'm happy to breathe. I'm happy to feel.

- Sleeps