The I that was in love

I never knew what to make of love
It was always held in such high regard and even I burned for it...
But never knew what to make of it
I always interpreted it as a selfish act as my only conscious experience of it was others needing and demand through it.
"I love you because of the way you make ME feel"
"You don't love me because of what you don't give me"
I was the same. Would only say the words to keep them from walking away or simply to keep the peace.
When I actually felt nothing.
The ego too proud to admit I was nothing.
All my jokes, witty comments, my deep thoughts and words...
All simple reflections of a bruised ego...
A dying ego now deprived.
And as "I" - that was - gradually dies, love - that is - grows and pulsates like the deafening ring of the ears after a loud concert
The ache of an overworked body finally laying to rest
This is new love.
Love from me but outside of me.
Love who's only focus and concern is your happiness
Of your well being
Of your comfort and grace in the world
I no longer think of me when I think of you yet I am the happiest I've ever felt
about you

- Sleeps

The power of admiration

Did I catch you or did you want me to see?
It's the comfort that seems to have come over time.
She was outspoken in complimenting me... But I didn't quite understand what she was saying.
I have no interest in domination, that time is behind me and I gave away the ending but getting better at telling my story.
My story was only ever interesting in retrospect but now interesting and exciting in real time.
That fact you thought of me just makes me... Happy.
Like breathing in air from being under water. Like the moment you realise the hangover is gone.

- Sleeps

Gate

Please don't ask me to open up fully
I don't exactly know what it means to
Besides experience has shown me to keep some things to myself.
It's only the songs and movies that tell us otherwise.
The same songs and movies that gave us such high expectations we rejected anything else.
I fear if I open the flood gates you will wash away... And worst, I won't even notice until I'm empty and can no longer see you near.
-
But you're already empty
The floor gates hold nothing but rocks and boulders.
You need to let them go.
Fill yourself with clean fresh water
Keep it safe, the clear water is precious in these times and all times.
Still climb mountains and dive dark sea's, you will be encouraged to
But come home or at least take a little with you.


- Sleeps

Player

I'm not a player
I'm just a stupid bloke on booze
And tomorrow i'll feel a lot more confused
About these actions and these words spoken with you
'Cause i'm a lost cause and not sure what to do
So call a taxi, girl
Before i get touchy feely, not in a sleazy way!
It's just your affection I crave
I feel ashamed at my dependance on you
And ashamed at my alternate view
You see it's easy to try pull your friend instead of you
Because rejection is easy when it's not from you

- Sleeps

Flake

A winter in the park 

I left quietly, didn't want anyone to know i was meeting her after dark

It all started as just a laugh

But then pretty soon became an integral part of my heart

She said 'I warmed you before, I can warm your heart again'

No courage to face my eyes she used an electronic pen

But it's too late i'm out now

Being clown for the crowd loud

I'd die happy sharing my feelings but way too proud

So have we not been this place before?

Truth is i'm not too sure 'cause we're both way too quick to head for the door 

I dont know what happened before - i get my cronology confused & every attempt to make sense your ego gets bruised 

Only ever tried to make amends 

But these days you only ever speak to me when youre in between boyfriends

Which results in all those messages i dont send

So i keep my mind busy on the weekends

Go for a surf or just chat shit w/ my friends 

Until another avoided day comes to an end

The hurt tries to resurface but nowadays it justs blends in

To the day to day i hope that one day i could somehow feel again 

And be connected to... to a not so distant mind set

See i bet you can stop your heart fluttering

I bet you tell your fella you're not suffering

I bet you couldnt share with an empty room where you mothers been

And i bet i could tell you to fuck off nowadays without stuttering

So tell me where's all this love been hiding?

And what's all this emotion keeping us crying?

I should've said goodbye

should've done so years ago 

but still to this day you're my only hero!

So from a superman to a zero, i know thats my doing

But constantly pursuing... A death to my kingdom 

So death to my kingdom

May the palace be empty and a deep burn for anyone who loves me

...

So wake up!

All i'm good for is entertainment

And deluding myself thinking that the day would come

5am skyping anyone who will have me 

As so far sleep's done absolutely nothing for me

So you're bored of me? still adore me!

And anything about me, 

Words, pictures, captured motion, act like you cant live without me

It seems how i justify my life is the extent of your interest

Until oneday this warrior will gracefully end the conquest

And possibly lay this heart to rest and ease his burning flesh

Stop denying this life may be a mess

A challenge i confess, with documented steps, anything more is just simply no of your business

- Sleeps

The importance of promise

I'm not sure anyone in my life has promised me anything.
It's funny how lack of a promise can make you feel vulnerable, forcing you to fend for yourself.
Those who know me know I never promise. I take them seriously and that's a lot of duty for a boy.
Growing older I wish I had made more promises. I wish I still kept them and could think back to any I broke and why.
Now with the growing need for meaning and relation I dabble in promise. I start with simple things. Things that would seem trivial and arbitrary to those in my life but unknown to them are the biggest and most important things to me.

I could only make a promise to someone I trust, which is odd since I'd be the one to be held accountable, but then if someone I trust has influenced or requested a promise, I do trust it is for the best.

A man needs a code... 'morals'... Something to dedicate himself to.
This defines the man.
But it all means nothing if he does not exercise or place them into practice.
Another shade to add to the color of our depth.
This defines the individual.

- Sleeps

Skin

"You lost it!"
It's ok, I can always try and get it back... If I want to.
The monsters in the head are now but play mates so no urgencies here.
Just a calm approach to destruction and fear.
Competitive banta dies away to a down to earth conversation about who we are. Money is passed, signature signed.
I have interest for you.
You remind me of what I was once after and so infatuated with.
Legs exposed but responsibility weighted in my background I shall only pursue something true with you. So warm palm will heat the distance you feel and I extend my arm in offer to bridge the gap in what you feel you are missing.
No savior here, a simple partner in adventure.

- Sleeps