Instead of you

Seems years since i cried last
My body and emotions almost confused as to what was happening
My past and regimented mental conditioning has taken me from the sentimental boy i once was to the balanced calm, zen, some may say robot like character i am today when it comes to attempting to feel anything out side of simply 'OK'
My misfortunes had nothing on me and was proud to have the strength and composure to always be able to put them into perspective
Fundamental detachment. A monk would be proud.
I guess i've come to the subconscious belief that any misfortune or pain in my life is of little consequence since I am fundamentally meaningless. Just a small explorative part of the collective consciousness.
So here i sat in my sphere of 'fine'...
But nothing prepared me for her... Her.
Neither today nor over 15 years ago when we first met
... And to just recall when we first met.
You were almost confused as to my random comment
"Cheer up, it might never happen"... How fucking little did i know

I wish I could take on your pain
Hold your griefs while you joyfully flutter through your days
While you travel and meet new people or simple sit to eat cheese on toast
I wish I could hurt instead of you
I feel upset and angry that I am OK and you are not

Wooden paddle

It's rare to see transformation of substance within a person.
To see someone become someone
A human being
Of interests
Of personality
So many people are of a personality, but not many have personality.
I'm humbled, enlightened and encouraged by those who do... And Saj, my friend, you are one of them.
Stories of Paddle boards and promiscuity gave me such delight and joy
Not just the stories themselves, but the real life human being living them.
You've always been a positive inspiration for me.
A man of adventurous heart, endlessly discovering and protecting the joy and life you see in things.
Whether darkened corridor or sun kissed field, our souls observe, play and absorb
And whatever the outcome, ignorance has got nothing on us bro

- sleeps

I'll be there for you...

To watch you struggle
To poke your cuts
To mock and make fun
... With you not at you
I'm not a monster
But I'm not going to pick you up when I know you can
I'll be there to hug you when up
I'll be there to take your hand to dance or to show you how
Be there on late night calls
Anything you need to be great... Be better
But not aid you in being weak and dependent

- sleeps

Simple.orbit

I chose my past
As it's all I know
This place would be my home for the evening if I were with friends
But friends are rare these days
Just acquaintances.
So I travel and work and travel and stay late. I don't even reach out to old friends
So here I am alone pretending I could have a life experience if I just had another drink... And another.
Pretty faces don't even change things these days.
Perhaps that's a totally good thing
Instead I find solus in graphic novels and anything geek
And just like that I found myself in this bar. Like, really found myself.
I smile at the possible reason I could have to be here.
Everything is recon.
And you bathe me in lust.
The night spoke to me through deep tones and I became still
Ow stillness, how I have missed you
And how you have missed me...
Is there no other who brings such peace to you?
Do you miss me when I am distracted with noise?
Do you reach for me in dark hours?
Do you envy the calculated insanity?
I missed you.
And like a solar system who lost its gravity I drifted (from sun)
into dark
Into distance
Imploding through my own weight
... What instead would send me to super nova... Or better yet...
Simple orbit.

- sleeps

Toward tomorrow

The only dimension in which I move is through time...
As space has nothing for me...
And illusion fills the gaps.

Chew

What's wrong with us that we can't find happiness?
What balance is there?
Between what do we find peace?
Aggression. Behave. Win. For now.
What does it say for civilisation when the only release we feel is when losing our minds. Regressing back to simple conundrum's like will that door swallow me whole?
An evening past, my only connection with you. An evening you left me so full but empty inside.
An evening you sent me away.
These days too polite to wonder the streets alone, I stay emotionally shackled to those whom I care... But who do not inspire.

Capture

The cool air capture softly spoken excitement and tall buildings hug our walks.
Adventurous but calm, the night came from within
I thought of you and wondered what you would mean if I were not me
We talked history and discussed our behaviors
My admiration grew for you, my friend.
As so few could put me in my place and feel good to apologies.
And I do apologies.
You knock me down and show me there's more to you, for which I find there is now more to me.

Thank you.

- sleeps