Indie

Actress' love ache... Or something like that.

Ow, light

Ow, darkness of my night

Gripping me, pulling me to a place or person i can metaphorically touch

Am i looking for you or am i simply looking for me here... In this place

A waste of my time. A waste of my energy. 

I piss away my talents and my thoughts. I drink them away as they hurt and frustrate me.

For lack of clarity or use in this life

Either my articulation fails or their understanding lacks

We're back to banging pots. Back to instrumentals.

Ow, sound

When all else  fails, you soothe 

I call out, but no echo

I reach, but no touch

I grind, I roll, I work, I distract... I do not express

I mask, I squander, I pretend, I have forgotten. Who. I. Am.

--

"if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything"... Or something like that

I shall structure

I shall schedule

I shall study Henry Rollins again and sharpen my mind and body

I shall study Jordan Peterson more to help me criticise my thoughts

I shall be consistent 

I shall define objectives and time lines

I shall be strong and determined even with undermined people around me

I shall find and spend more time with people that inspire me

I shall stop with the alcohol, I shall trip instead.

I shall disassociate first to become someone once again

- Sleeps

Pause

[Loving someone is not needing them to say it back]
[Loving someone is expressing it and feeling relieved in doing so]

[Loving someone is being a dedicated 'villain' and focusing on destroying everything they 'love' so they can understand how to]

He sits and sweats
All noise has gone and he leans forward to feel the beads of sweat form around his head 

They slide down his face to then fall to his feet.

There was a monster at the door

Inside the stomach

Inside the thoughts

A man driven crazy, but happy in being so as crazy has held a certain purity to it

a lack of compromise 

A transformation from tragedy to comedy and finding something true in the process

And that truth is pain. Beautifully transformative pain.

From weak to strength

From false to true

From lost to found

Regardless of companionship

- Sleeps

Revolver

I missed the chance to open up to you.
I was always sorry for that.
Thinking people would miss out on me
When it was me missing out on people
The two paced push
The intimate feelings
Like a revolver, it's spinning chamber no longer a threat or fear
Instead an exciting dance and I wish you would dance
With me
For me
I would watch
I would touch
I would move so differently
I would breathe

- sleeps

Lost and not found

There's things in this world
That can't be found
That can't be found again
Whether lost or taken from us. I don't know which. Or if it matters.
But nothing hurts more than shame.
It's like losing a piece of yourself
Who you were or at least who you wanted to be.
Or maybe shame is a reminder of who we really are so the feeling is the disappointment of not being able to grow or forget
So how to release the beast or instead laugh at the joke of it all
That's the dance. That's the human condition.
Or maybe there's no condition, we're just board and have nothing meaningful to do instead.

- sleeps

Check

Face - chick
Dress - chick
Leave - man
Hurt - man
Anger - man
Lonely - man
Man - stupid

What type do you like

What sort of music do you like?
A certain type or any kind, as long as they're 'good'? As long as you can dance with? Sing with? Cry with? Fall asleep with?
Ever started with one then went on to 'more like this'?
You may find new ones you like and some you don't, but even those you don't, if you listen properly and maybe even ask yourself why you don't like, you may start to see things you do. A skill, an emotion, a thought, a belief. May begin to like what you previously didn't and realise what you 'didn't like' were actually assumptions and judgements you imposed on yourself. Sometimes because of things you've heard or friends who told us what they thought.
(Interesting to see how much of our interests, passions, fetishes, beliefs are influenced and suppressed by others, by assumptions, by ego, by fear.)
Go out and listen to those you may not have before. To places that have what you usually would not.

May have guessed i wasn't taking about music, I was taking about people.

People not genres.

- sleeps

Log file

Why waste time with patience?
I wonder who will read the words a thousand years from now
If AI would debate or try analyse or understand these snippets
These snippets of abstract non sense, the only act which eases the soul for whatever that is... And for whatever that means or for whatever it's worth
Here I am in an indifferent universe
For whatever I am
For whatever I am not
Stretching out as the stars are
Buring my composition.

... Until I pass.
And who shall pass me?
Who shall see me in these words?
Or simply see themselves
The all seeing solipsist
My friend or myself
Fade to black laughing

- sleeps