The importance of promise

I'm not sure anyone in my life has promised me anything.
It's funny how lack of a promise can make you feel vulnerable, forcing you to fend for yourself.
Those who know me know I never promise. I take them seriously and that's a lot of duty for a boy.
Growing older I wish I had made more promises. I wish I still kept them and could think back to any I broke and why.
Now with the growing need for meaning and relation I dabble in promise. I start with simple things. Things that would seem trivial and arbitrary to those in my life but unknown to them are the biggest and most important things to me.

I could only make a promise to someone I trust, which is odd since I'd be the one to be held accountable, but then if someone I trust has influenced or requested a promise, I do trust it is for the best.

A man needs a code... 'morals'... Something to dedicate himself to.
This defines the man.
But it all means nothing if he does not exercise or place them into practice.
Another shade to add to the color of our depth.
This defines the individual.

- Sleeps

Skin

"You lost it!"
It's ok, I can always try and get it back... If I want to.
The monsters in the head are now but play mates so no urgencies here.
Just a calm approach to destruction and fear.
Competitive banta dies away to a down to earth conversation about who we are. Money is passed, signature signed.
I have interest for you.
You remind me of what I was once after and so infatuated with.
Legs exposed but responsibility weighted in my background I shall only pursue something true with you. So warm palm will heat the distance you feel and I extend my arm in offer to bridge the gap in what you feel you are missing.
No savior here, a simple partner in adventure.

- Sleeps

Tone

Benefit skewed by the belief
My questionable nature quietened her to a pause.
Not sure how to take me she smiles and carries on
'We can't all find someone to love' she states with a hint of regret.
Before I could reply she spits out 'I know, we have to love ourself first' with what I could only interpret as distain but was not so sure I could be sure about this girl anymore.
People with awareness of their own folly always have both fascinated and eluded me.
'We can't all love Jesus' I said
To which she directly responded
'We can't all be smart', with a tone of genius I would've never had expected.
I laughed and i told her i was quoting Todd Mckenzie with;
'The only advantage of being smart is that you can act dumb'
She chuckled, 'I wish I could get to know you better but concerned you'd change me more than I would you...'
'I'm not so sure about that.' I replied.
Sarcastically and with her hands in the air 'please do change me!'
'I already have' I bow like a magician would and vanish.

An hour later she grabs me at the bar, kisses me on the lips and gently touches my face, her palm moving down my beard then lifting to leave just the delicate touch of her fingers...
'Now I've changed you'

- Sleeps

Object

Come on girl, show me an object
But don't tell me it's beauty
This is the season for two
And I'm hurting just like you
... So please make me smile
As its always the other way around
And now I'm down
(You know I'm down)

- Sleeps

Prick

It's lost. So quickly gone.
From laughing hard in bed together to this.
From playfully pouncing on me to walking from me.
It doesn't hurt seeing her
It doesn't hurt speaking with her or interacting with her
It just hurts when I hear her laugh. To hear her doing ok.
That makes me a prick I know. It tells me I'm subconsciously angry and a bit bitter
So i move on to this self contained subject. This blog. These words. This belief.
'Her'... 'she'... 'me'...'I'... is any of this real?
Do people not understand a concept of a moment?
Am i so disconnected and progressive that i destroy my connections through my conceptions?

I am to blame.
I am proven wrong and am told i can either express myself alone to allow my relationships to bloom or express myself to people and be alone for it.

- Sleeps

I am a simple sword

The nights adventure
The clean conscious of drinking w/ friends but moving alone
So now alone in a bar too early for the stag
The barmaid kind and warm to welcome, the manager speaking to me w/ disgust
I'm early. I have no collar. A bag and scruffy trainers
I'm here to slowly penetrate the loss.
Here to warm the miss... Then dance w/ gay guys who know how to laugh.
I am clean but intoxicated
Bold but a little nervous as I have so much to argue about and my drunken state gets rowdy with humor
Don't miss me as I am nothing.
A traveling circus too afraid to stop and depend on others excitement...
As they have none... And they call me the complicated one... Huh.
A week without becomes a new quest
A treasure that smugly moves through those trying desperately to impress.
Send him off.
Visit and smile.
Cocktail attire.
Kinky whispers.
What the fuck else would you want from me?

I have nothing else but a fight for you (so let's harm each other until we heal)

- Sleeps

Silence

3.58am
I need silence.
Quiet is no longer good enough.
I hear the fridge hum in the kitchen, my heart beat through my ear on the pillow, the 'shhh' and russell of moving my head to adjust and now suddenly I am wide awake.
Re think the day, events and my actions
Now the sound of my thoughts...
I do not remember silence
Silence of thought... I guess that's why they meditate
How easy to ruin a chance
How easy to make noise
How easy to be here
I now think of being there with out of character words and desires
To be someone else only to find it is still me, just not my pre-conceived version I thought I always would be

Am I awake?

- Sleeps