Fine

I remember the morning
Getting ready
I remember arguing with my mother about what I wanted to wear for the funeral
I remember staring at the floor
Being touched and spoken to by all my different friends but couldn't confirm who.
The heaviness of my head and throat I placed a note in the casket...
I'm not sure what I wrote... If I wrote anything.
A dream followed.
Despite how distant and angry I tried to be you still breezed into my room to light up and say "I love you 'E'" followed shortly by "you won't tell my mum I smoke will you"
The list to follow would take me
The list to date keeps me
"no" she replies abruptly and continues to...
I now make judgements I no longer feel the need to share
It's not fine, not for me.

- Sleeps